FIFA conducted its official inspection of the United States last week as part of the United States’ bid for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. The general consensus is that the World Cup will be in Europe in 2018, so the United States is actually in the running for 2022. Australia, Japan, South Korea and Qatar are the other countries being considered for 2022.
It appears to this completely unbiased U.S. citizen, that America is the clear favorite for World Cup 2022. America has the infrastructure already in place to host a World Cup -- stadiums, hotels, transportation, you name it. The U.S. was the top ticket buyer for the 2010 World Cup and that the U.S. television rights bid was the largest of the 2010 World Cup. The 1994 World Cup hosted by the U.S. holds the record for the highest attendance in World Cup history, and this was before the World Cup finals were expanded from twenty-four to thirty-two teams. FIFA’s own website states that the 1994 World Cup in the U.S. was “hugely successful.” The U.S. committee even broke out the top talent by having the FIFA inspectors, all of whom are male, greeted by the Miami Dolphin and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders during their visit. One would think America is a no-brainer for the FIFA committee.
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Despite this, I am concerned about our chances. The World Cup bid process is highly political and I do not see the U.S. committee acting enough like politicians. Sure, talking about how great America is has its place, but as any good politician will tell you, nothing gets votes like telling people how terrible the other guy is. To make sure we bring this thing home, I think we need to employ the time-honored political strategy of mudslinging. Now, I hold no particular animosity toward any of our competitors, so I take no pleasure in doing this, but if we cannot engage in jingoistic fearmongering, then the terrorists truly have won. To help the U.S. Committee, I’ve put together a brief memo of some reasons why our competitors should not be awarded the 2022 World Cup.
QATAR
I think we can make short work of Qatar. In Qatar, It is illegal to drink alcohol in public or to be drunk in public. Next.
JAPAN
Japan has volcanoes. A lot of them. Oh, yes, and Japan has around 1,500 earthquakes a year. Also, it’ll be the rainy season and that comes with the occasional typhoon. Volcanoes, earthquakes, typhoons? Throw a blizzard in there and it sounds like the Weather Channel lineup during Sweeps Week. Plus, Japan is already one of the most densely populated countries in the world. What do you think is going to happen when you add in a couple million World Cup tourists? That’s right, at halftime there will be uniformed men in the stadium bathroom shoving crowds of people into each stall. No thanks.
SOUTH KOREA
South Korea is just way too close to North Korea. Everyone knows that during the 2010 World Cup in South Africa, Kim Jong-il was providing tactical advice to the North Korean coach via an invisible mobile phone which Kim Jong-il developed himself. Imagine what Mr. Jong-il could do if the matches were only a few miles away from him. I’m guessing invisible players. Clearly, the advantage to North Korea would make the competition utterly unfair. Also -- and Japan is equally responsible for this as a co-host -- the mascots for the 2002 World Cup were terrible. While World Cup mascots are usually terrible, the 2002 World Cup mascots created by Japan and South Korea take the cake because . . . wait for it . . . they were depicted playing a sport other than soccer! This is the equivalent of McDonald’s running a commercial showing Grimace eating a pizza. Way to stay on message, guys.
AUSTRALIA
Don’t let the Bloomin Onion’ fool you, my friends. Australia sounds like fun, but it isn’t all Foster’s and shrimp on the barbie. Besides the fact that it was a prison colony, it is home to the most poisonous marine creature in the world (Box Jellyfish), the deadliest spider in the world (Sydney Funnelweb Spider), and the most poisonous land snake in the world (Inland Taipan). Listen, if I am going to die with swelling limbs, difficulty breathing, and heart failure, I want it to be from eating a cheese steak every night before bed, not because a spider bit me. Next, although the didgeridoo may be the oldest wind instrument in the world, it sounds far too much like the vuvuzela and nobody wants that again. Lastly, it must not be forgotten that Oceanic Flight 815 originated in Sydney, Australia over six years ago and the circumstances of that whole situation have yet to be adequately explained to anyone.
So, to recap, the points of emphasis about our competition are as follows: no beer, natural disasters, crazy dictator, and painful death by poison. That should be our mantra to FIFA. Of course, the U.S. Committee should also keep in mind that Australia has already been investigated for allegedly bribing FIFA officials. FIFA has cleared Australia of wrongdoing, but this is an indication that the U.S. may need to step it up and engage in another time-honored political strategy. Someone get Blagojevich on the phone, pronto!
